AGRADEÇA-LHE E ADEUS

June ends today.

So we'll need a new Man of the Month, because we've reached the end of Bernardo Velasco.

WORLD CUP SUPPORTER

Need help understanding the World Cup?
Let Morgan Freeman help.

After all, if the guy can make penguins seems noble and pious, he ought to able to explain anything.

Hits as of now: 226,497

COUCH POTATO PANCAKES

"What's with all the talk lately? Give us more Bernardo!"

Uh... okay...

The first of these three is probably my favourite photo of this guy so far.
So casual and yet so beautiful. It's very easy to imagine that it's early morning
and he wanders into the living room, yawning and scratching his backside,
then flopping down on the couch and asking what's for breakfast.

Views as of now: 225,645

GUN RACK AND RUIN

I had no idea that a magazine called Garden and Gun actually existed until I un-lucked across a copy on Friday.

And then I vomited at little bit.

The subtitle - Soul of the New South - did not help in the least. The name brought to mind all the worst stereotypes of Southern living to me, without all the charm of Southern Living, if you know what I mean. I was imagining ignorant, inbred yokels, parents drinking Milwaukees Beast on the porch of a dilapidated house while their kids scramble barefoot across the red sand of their front yards, playing tag around the car up on blocks under the cedar tree until one of 'em steps on a bottle cap and cuts their foot open.

But the actual contents weren't like this. They were worse. It was Town and Country south of the Mason-Dixon line. It was page after page of the landed gentry indulging in ostentatious displays of consumption and reminding the proles just how much better they were than the rest of us. It was pompous, arrogant, and aristocratic in the ante-bellum sense. It was Ralph Nickleby, Gordon Gecko, and William F. Buckley, Jr. It was downright un-American.

And, lamentably, it probably is the Soul of the New South. Still on Earth but sold to the Devil.

ETERNAL PEACE OF CAKE

So, Monday night and all day Tuesday, I slept for the better part of 36 hours because I was sick with an annoying... No, make that FUCKING ANNOYING summertime cold.

I when I was awake, I spent so much time wiping my nose that I was in real danger of rubbing it off and looking like a latter-days Michael Jackson. Seriously, is there any symptom more obnoxious than a runny nose?

In fact, I was so sick that I missed my own birthday.

But today I'm feeling much better, though still not entirely well.

And with all that time without distractions, I was able to spend some real time thinking about important things like quality of life, etc. It's no secret that I'm not a very happy person a lot of the time, and that I consider my life to be pretty miserable. Like a lot of people, I'm able to distract myself from my problems for long periods of time and call that "happiness," but it's never very long before reality gets in and bums be out.

But I had time over the last couple of days to do some serious thinking about my own life and — realizing the importance of having a few, simply stated goals — I've come up with two goals of my own. So for the next three months, I want to dedicate most of my energy to two things: getting a better paying job and losing 40 pounds. I think that most of my recent unhappiness and even poor health stems from stress, and having just a little bit more money will go a long way toward cutting back on that.

As for needing to lose 40 pounds, I really can't believe that I have 40 extra pounds to lose. How the Hell did I let things get out of control like this? One pint of Ben and Jerry's at a time, probably.

Anyway, I'll post updates now and then because a bit of encouragement would be greatly appreciated, but I'll try not to bore your by nattering on like I've done today.

Views as of now: 225,373

INSPECT HER GORDON

I'll admit that Cap News doesn't entertain me as much as The Onion, but sometimes they're hysterical.

Like in this story about Batman and Robin continuing to deny they're gay. You gotta love a story that contains lines like this:

"Why people would think Robin and I are gay has always been beyond me," said Batman, polishing his hard rubber codpiece.

DADS

GAGA ME WITH A SPOON

So, I have finally seen a Lady Gaga music video.

Meh.

Slab o' Brazilian Beef

Meanwhile, over at The Slab, someone else appreciates the human perfection that is Bernardo Velasco.

Views as of now: 224,360

CLASH OF THE TITANIUM WHITE

Okay, so I finally saw Clash of the Titans today.

The new one, I mean, not that Harry Hamlin/Burgess Meredith thing where — once again — Sir Larry proved that he was such a good actor that you'd actually believe he liked girls.

And having heard it panned pretty severely, I went in expecting very little.

As a result, it was better than I expected. So I've discovered the secret to enjoying a movie: expect it to totally suck, then you won't be surprised if it does and you might be entertained if it doesn't. Call it the Benjamin Franklin approach to film criticism.

Mom, I'm home! And I brought some laundry!

This one did not suck. One thing did bother me a bit though, and that was being repeatedly distracted by the actors cast.

Sam Worthington wasn't a problem, because I'd never seen him before (yes, I'm the one who hasn't seen Avatar yet.), but every other time I saw a familiar face I'd remember in what movie I'd seen them before and what part they were playing.

So here's how Clash of the Titans came across to me: The infant Perseus is found floating in the Aegean by Kaiser Soze's assistant Mr. Kobayashi. The baby was tossed into the sea with his mother because she had allowed herself to be impregnated by Aslan, who had disguised himself as her husband, Dr. Henry Jekyll.

Kobayashi and his wife — played by the wonderful Elizabeth McGovern who is wasted here and whom I wish had played Queen Casiopeia instead — adopt the baby, and it grows up to become Sam Worthington, and gets caught in a war between the city of Argos and the gods, who are led by Aslan. Aslan's brother Voldemort offers to put the put the humans in their place by releasing the Krakken. He also tracks down Dr. Jekyll, who's been cursed by Aslan and is now more like Mr. Hyde.

Sam Worthington sets out to stop the Krakken and save Argos, but he instead of going it alone like Harry Hamlin, he has a group of allies to help him, including James Bond villian Le Chiffre, James Bond ally Strawberry Fields, King Arthur's incestuous son Mordred, and some very pretty boy that I kind of recognized without knowing why.

It all ends pretty much like you'd expect it to, and Sam Worthington at the very end gives Aslan this really great "c'mon, Dad" look after Aslan restores Strawberry Fields so that Sam Worthington can have some kind of sex life on his lonely island without resorting to unnatural acts with his flying horse.

But, unlike most remakes, I'm glad this Clash of the Titans was made. The original is way too 70s, though it came out in 1981, and seems so campy now that I was glad to see it remade with some great special effects.

Even though I do regret seeing Sir Larry and Professor McGonagall portraying the Greek gods. So much more dignity and gravitas than their counterparts in this movie.

Views as of now: 224,007

SLAYER? I DON'T EVEN KNOW HER?

Having exhausted hulu.com of all the other stuff I'd like to watch, I've been watching the third season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, still one of the funniest action shows ever. Tonight it was the episode called "Prom" where the senior class announces a special award to Buffy Summers who, though no one ever talked about it, was responsible for this graduating class having the lowest death count of any graduating class ever. And dammit if I didn't get tears in my eyes. Just like the first time I watched it. I gotta get a life.

DUST BUNNY SLOPE

So I found a fun new place with a mean sense of humour. Hurray!

Robert Pattinson totally looks
like this featherduster.

And as long as I'm talking about the walking dead, has anyone seen the cover of the special edition of People Magazine Twilight Special? It says, quite boldly, that Robert Pattinson is "the hottest guy on Earth" but it still has Taylor Lautner's photo about four times as large!

Views as of now: 223,692

WHERE HEARTS WERE ENTERTAINING JUNE

Since I made him the Man of the Month, we should re-visit Bernardo Velasco from time to time.

This is one of my favourite photos of him so far, taken by Marcio Del Nero, who is one lucky, lucky bastard. I don't know Bernardo's age, either presently or when this photo was taken, but I'm struck by how he seems to move so easily from handsome grown man to beautiful young man.

Here he seems to be the best of both.

My only complaint — and it's a tiny one — is that whoever retouched this overdid the whitening of his eyes a bit. If you want to alter a photo without being obvious, it's essential to not make it too perfect.

And points to whomever first tells me they understand that title.

Views as of now: 223,214

FRESH AND MILD MANNERED REPORTER

Okay, I'm not proud of this, but every time a photographer puts glasses with those heavy black frames on a mostly naked guy with a nice body, I want to do this to the photo.

Views as of now: 223,053

DON'T DROP THE SOAP OPERA STAR

So Chace Crawford got arrested for possession of marijuana in Plano last weekend?

Aw, man. I was in Plano last weekend,
but I didn't think to troll the jails.

And I know there's a pun involving
"police" and "chase" here somewhere,
but nothing's coming right now.

ABOUT FACE FAVOUR

After watching my Man of the Month clip with Simon Nessman, someone calling themselves facefavour suggested that if I wanted to see an even more beautiful mouth, I should look for photographs of Bryton Munn.

So I did, and this is what I found:

Yes, he has a great mouth, especially here...



But I can't agree with facefavour that
he's more beautiful than Simon.

Views as of now: 222,601

TEXT MESSAGE FOR GARCIA

Meanwhile, at Texts from Last Night...

Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.

Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.

Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.

he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe.

my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.

you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.

I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.

I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America

(INSERT AMUSING TITLE HERE)

Well, it's been a long time, but have a look at this:

Views as of now: 221,745