I'll explain this somewhat tomorrow, but I'm more than a little heart-broken over the death of George Carlin. And as he is responsible for so many great lines, I thought I'd bring you some of them today. Enjoy.
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out
where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
There's no present. There's only
the immediate future and the recent past.
Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts,
and you put your two cents in,
what happens to the other penny?
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
If God had intended us not to masturbate
he would've made our arms shorter.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas?
Fewer Texans.
Inside every cynical person,
there is a disappointed idealist.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that
some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves,
"You know, I want to set those people over there on fire,
but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that shit.
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe,
then I'd have to say that the universe
aimed rather low and settled for very little.
I'm completely in favor of the separation
of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions
screw us up enough on their own,
so both of them together is certain death.
I credit that eight years of grammar school with nourishing me
in a direction where I could trust myself and trust my instincts.
They gave me the tools to reject my faith.
They taught me to question and think for myself
and to believe in my instincts
to such an extent that I just said,
"This is a wonderful fairy tale they have going here,
but it's not for me."
Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes.
If it makes you feel better, fine.
Just don't ask me to wear your shoes.
And let's not nail the lift to the natives' feet.
I have as much authority as the Pope;
I just don't have as many people who believe it.
where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
There's no present. There's only
the immediate future and the recent past.
Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts,
and you put your two cents in,
what happens to the other penny?
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
If God had intended us not to masturbate
he would've made our arms shorter.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas?
Fewer Texans.
Inside every cynical person,
there is a disappointed idealist.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that
some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves,
"You know, I want to set those people over there on fire,
but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that shit.
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe,
then I'd have to say that the universe
aimed rather low and settled for very little.
I'm completely in favor of the separation
of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions
screw us up enough on their own,
so both of them together is certain death.
I credit that eight years of grammar school with nourishing me
in a direction where I could trust myself and trust my instincts.
They gave me the tools to reject my faith.
They taught me to question and think for myself
and to believe in my instincts
to such an extent that I just said,
"This is a wonderful fairy tale they have going here,
but it's not for me."
Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes.
If it makes you feel better, fine.
Just don't ask me to wear your shoes.
And let's not nail the lift to the natives' feet.
I have as much authority as the Pope;
I just don't have as many people who believe it.
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