"An unexamined life is not worth living." - Socrates
Years ago, when I first learned what a "quarterly review" was, I decided that if it was good enough for a business, it was certainly good enough for a human life.
That's when I started making a point of spending the first of January, April, July, and October and spending them in some quiet place, far from cable television and cell phones, and just being alone with my thoughts. Pondering where I was in life, where I wanted to go, and how I was going to get there. I did this for years, almost never missing a day (though I did sometimes move the first to the nearest available weekend).
I did it again this month. On New Year's Day, while I was packing things away into storage, I had many hours in a quiet, relatively distraction-free place to just think.
And all was able to come up with was that I already knew what I needed to know. That I didn't like the way my life was but that no one could or would change it but me. That I knew where I wanted my life to go and mostly knew how to get there; it was primarily a matter of getting my butt into gear.
The short version is that I need a job and, eventually, a couple of Master's degrees. And to stop spending so much time avoiding the responsibilities of my own life. It's frankly a bit frightening going through this crap with little or no support system, but at the same time it's rather freeing. Sure, I don't have people I can turn to for help or advice, but I also don't have people I have to please. I may be alone in this car, but I also don't have anyone telling me how to drive nor fucking with my radio.
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1 comment:
i think you're being too harsh on yourself.
you realize that you are unhappy with your present state of life and that you need to change it. what have you done to implement the changes (job and masters)? if you look at the ultimate goal (getting a masters) it can be overwhelming. but if you take it in incremental steps, it isn't so bad. research schools. register for a class. do something.
you have talent (at least an eye for talent!) and can achieve whatever goals you set for yourself.
by the way, new years is never a good day to engage in self evaluation. too many expectations. try doing it on february, may, august and november.
hang in there!
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